I have two friends at work who are currently active in the dating scene. We like to swap stories about dates and guys and the frustration, romance, and mysteriousness of it all. They recently shared with me a book they read by Aziz Ansari, Modern Love.
It’s funny, easy to read, and has some interesting social-behavioral information about how we mate. And he gives some tips. For example, use the online medium strictly as just the introduction. Get straight to the meeting ASAP. Too much writing back and forth is a waste of time and effort.
If you’re feeling burned out from all the dating, take a break. Cut back on the number of different dates.
Give people a second or maybe even third date even if there isn’t instant sparks/attraction. Attraction is actually built up over time. (But I’d add, if you have a gut instinct that this isn’t gonna work, trust that.)
From listening to my friends sussing out online communications here are some things they find to be off-putting (granted this is just two people – and I don’t necessarily agree with all of it)
- When messaging someone, sure talk about yourself, but remember to ask a question or two as well to get a conversation going. If all you do is introduce yourself and don’t ask questions, it’s hard to respond.
- On a date, again, be sure to ask questions. Sure, share about yourself, but let them share too.
Actually, reading this, it sounds rather common-sense. I’d say this applies to general friend-making. Anyway, throw all of the above out the window. Just be yourself.
Regardless of how you feel about Ansari and his dating prowess, or lack of, Aziz is a funny writer. Modern Love is easy to read and he cites some behavioral statistics and information that can be insightful about human nature.
For example, the reason why people delay texting back is to create a sense of scarcity. People are more attracted to scarce things. So not texting back right away creates an illusion of scarcity. Also random text delays work better. We respond more positively to random rewards. So this may all be well and dandy but then when he did a poll most folks prefer genuineness. That kind of manipulation in timing texts can come across as insincere/insecure.